The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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