If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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