I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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