She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
