it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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