Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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