no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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