Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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