I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
