i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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