First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
