New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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