Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
