Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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