Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
