I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
