Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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