is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
