i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
