I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
