tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
