just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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