I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize