i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
