Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
