you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
