I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
