I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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