I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
