Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
