I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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