my phone needs a breathalizer
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
