On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
