I smell stomach acid.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
