Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Actions speak louder than pants.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
