Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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