im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
