Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
