His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
