Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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