Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
