The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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