I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
