drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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