Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
