Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
