She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize