Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
