maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
