I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
