She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im six kinds of drunk right now
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
