You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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